Wahwah wednesday.

in Japan they've been wearing leg warmers with everything since I was at least 11 years old. AT LEAST.

i'm really glad i got to be there for such important developmental stages. Moving here to states really made me lame it up quite a bit, i used to be ridiculous with mixing patterns and unless it was loud, obnoxious, perfectly fitting, and one of a kind(!) i wouldn't wear it. When i got here people made fun of all my four inch wedge platform heels(and i had two pair that were six inch chunk platformsAH), shirts that said things like "John Valby gives great handjobs"(comedian that is dirty not funny), my fantastic fanny packs, all my macramé(ihadsomuchmacrame) EVERYthing. i do admit i was hanging out with a difficult to deal with west valley bro type of crowd, i feel stupid that I forced myself to devolve into such a boring jerk. I don't have the confidence i used to nor can i wear what i really WANT to wear because now i've just lost the confidence i need and gained some weight i didn't. Difference in size means difference in esteem. I haven't yet learned to deal with these larger thighs and unrelenting hips nor accept that they are my only choice in this life. ANYWAY. Rant.

SO! Legwarmer--i never really dug em when i was young, i never found a way to make them work with what i was wearing because as I do like things Busy! busy+legwarmers is a sexy Asian thing that I think my american brain can not comprehend.

Living with another person is .HARD.

everything started out like this wondrous fairytale. i would HURT if he was away for too long, i was late for work every day because it was like those cute movies where its just impossible to leave without 15 more goodbye kisses or just one quickie before it was too, too late.. this lasted the better part of a year and by the time it was over we were already living together full time. I feel like if we were to do it all over again i would have FORCED him to get a job and we wouldn't have lived together right off, maybe the honeymoon would have lasted longer and these days the fighting over whose doing what and when and "are we going out together?" or "can't you just go by yourself"/can i just go by myself" wouldn't be such an issue. Alas, it is what it is and it is an issue. (most of it is my problem and most of it is his problem--at least we are equal)

I have some serious issues when it comes to my space. I'm weird about it, i expect that others are as good at people reading as I am and will understand when to just shut up and leave me alone for a while without me actually having to say "SHUTUPPLEASELEAVEMEALONE"

i'm sad from being in love without the love. anytime i see someone kiss or cuddle up to their partner i think of him and how much we used to need to touch. now its not that there isn't affection, there is plenty, there is just also an equal amount of bickering and bitter resentment(coming from both sides) that neither of us can seem to shake. I want my love back, i don't want a different one or a new one i want this one to be some new kind of whole again.

TenTenTen

TENTENTEN.

my first love

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Stella Princess <3

Session One.

Yes, Rykelle!!! THE LIIIINES ARE AMAZING.

Four Hours under the needle and not a single tear up or uncontrollable jerking. Session two will be next month, The Shading of The Leaves, there may be some tears. HA.

Not Fired Friday.

yay. didn't get fired! not even written up! which is a good thing, i didn't deserve either. Still on the hunt though, i've been letting my brain rot away here for too long.

Today I learned how to form a new plant out of my already growing pothos, we'll see how it goes! I'm getting some cacti going in the the little garden box built into the house up front. I. Love. Plants. I still want to go to flower school. (One goal at a time though. Baby steps toward personal success seem to be what works best for me)

The only significant drama in my life is remaining pretty significant. It will work out. It always does. I'm so good at making it through shitty times.

I think i'll make a birdhouse on Sunday, i'm going to be making vegan cookies to take to Jason for my first session for my tattoo on Monday and I told him i'd bring vegan sweets! Follow through is one of those things i'm working on and not making cookies when I say I will would be failing at that; a full Sunday of fun productivity would probably make me feel about 900x better about getting the day off due to the cutting of hours.

Oh, here is the beauty that will be consuming my entire left shoulder after Monday <3

So i'm going to lose my job on Friday, or so thats what i'm pulling from the statement"you me and ben are going to have a little chat on Friday when you get in, it will be regarding some things i'm concerned about with you". New GM means newness. apparently i'm not as adaptive as I think I am. But really, his GO!CORPORATE! attitude just pulls at every single hate nerve in my body. I do my job well, i hate it, but I do it well god damnit. I planned on going yesterday to apply everywhere I could think of but I have no printer and no money. what happens then?! not printing my resume thats for sure. This is awful. Hopefully I can find a job in the next 48 hours and quit before i'm most likely fired. fuck fuck fuck.

my relationship and job falling apart in the saaaame month. who would thunk it. Ha. I have already learned that lesson about everything happening for a reason though. So while i try not kill myself, i'll do some things to make my life better over the next few months. GAHHH .

this weeks goal: aim to not be so melodramatic & find.a.job.