I am starting to think that things are at such a gray spot a GRAYYYYY. GRAY. spot. that nothing is any kind of clear. Even things that you want. The way someone smiles at you on the street. The window you just washed. Its all spotted. Look at it spotted! They never go away and nothing happens when you start kicking and screaming about it. Staying calm is just better for your health.

Today I've gained a Purple Shamrock, its wilted a little after spending 8 hours in this hot, stale smoke filled air of the closed up house. I also bought a _______ pothos. Obviously i'm not sure of what came before that, but its definitely some kind of pothos, cute little vine and good for helping rid the co2 from the cigarette smoke.i'll need several of them for it to really DO something pretty significant. For now its just me getting my feet back into the plant-keeping water.--OK.OK. Back to the Shamrock! It lilac colored flowers and these dark purple leaves that look like butterflies. I was in love when i saw it! I read up on it a few places today and i learned its going to start drying up after a month or so. I'll have to put it in a dark space for four to five weeks and let it "rest" i guess? But then its back to normal and the cycle continues!

Making air is hard work. Love those plants.

What else. OH. i also am not very good at this keyboard yet and keep magically cutting massive sections out and having to go back and retype them. It's much easier when i concentrate.
The last few hours i've been trying to think of reasons to wake up early tomorrow. i just found one! It's funny how we have to trick ourselves into doing things good for us. It's starts with flinstones vitamins i think, this way of thinking? That's a laugh, huh?

The task of hermitting this summer will be one of the most difficult of my life so far. I started it in a really awkward way tonight. But now i've got the ball rolling (granted, yes, it is 2:20 am.) i'm going to get up early, get a monetary goal knocked out and be stoked about it by a little after noon tomorrow.

Life and such.

Changes since the start of 2010.

-I got a puppy. he's taken over my life. I was finally ready, i reached the decision, picked the picture, made the purchase, and now he is mine. His name is Rory and he loves me to no end. With the personal struggles i've been experiencing, his love is refreshing. I can handle the pesky puppiness for a while :)

-I hate myself less. I understand that in order to love me I have to DO things that make me love me. Most of my anger and jealousy of and toward others is from nothing by my lack of productivity. I don't DO anything. nothing. and nothing is not enough for me. I'm really NOT doing anything at the moment. I have this whole idea of a sequence of events that should take place when I finally start doing these few things. I'm doing those few things. I thinks its going to work. We'll see. Getting my closet organized and clothes onto hangers will also help with this. I'm still not very organized.

-I saw my best friend in the world. Two of them! That was another one of those things where I reached the decision, picked the dates and got the tickets! It was 5 days of fun and catching up. Talking about nothing and laughing about everything. Good, Old friends are a beautiful thing. I'm glad i'm still alive to know that.

-I think i've decided to really take a stab at this school thing again. Maybe. Ugh. We'll see.

-Nicholas has gotten a job. It's made things so much easier on me, we still have our problems, but our love has always been strong enough to see us through. Communicating functionally & effectively is the hardest part of relationships. He mumbles a lot and I like to yell. Sometimes its tricky.

-Laptop is in the mail and on its way, new glasses, new shewwwws, new month, and almost a new year of my life.


Twenty-Five is not that grown up. I am not that grown up.