all i want to do is make dresses, play the theremin, have an excellent garden, and a dog who knows at LEAST ten commands.

what the heck is stopping me.

Wahwah wednesday.

in Japan they've been wearing leg warmers with everything since I was at least 11 years old. AT LEAST.

i'm really glad i got to be there for such important developmental stages. Moving here to states really made me lame it up quite a bit, i used to be ridiculous with mixing patterns and unless it was loud, obnoxious, perfectly fitting, and one of a kind(!) i wouldn't wear it. When i got here people made fun of all my four inch wedge platform heels(and i had two pair that were six inch chunk platformsAH), shirts that said things like "John Valby gives great handjobs"(comedian that is dirty not funny), my fantastic fanny packs, all my macramé(ihadsomuchmacrame) EVERYthing. i do admit i was hanging out with a difficult to deal with west valley bro type of crowd, i feel stupid that I forced myself to devolve into such a boring jerk. I don't have the confidence i used to nor can i wear what i really WANT to wear because now i've just lost the confidence i need and gained some weight i didn't. Difference in size means difference in esteem. I haven't yet learned to deal with these larger thighs and unrelenting hips nor accept that they are my only choice in this life. ANYWAY. Rant.

SO! Legwarmer--i never really dug em when i was young, i never found a way to make them work with what i was wearing because as I do like things Busy! busy+legwarmers is a sexy Asian thing that I think my american brain can not comprehend.

Living with another person is .HARD.

everything started out like this wondrous fairytale. i would HURT if he was away for too long, i was late for work every day because it was like those cute movies where its just impossible to leave without 15 more goodbye kisses or just one quickie before it was too, too late.. this lasted the better part of a year and by the time it was over we were already living together full time. I feel like if we were to do it all over again i would have FORCED him to get a job and we wouldn't have lived together right off, maybe the honeymoon would have lasted longer and these days the fighting over whose doing what and when and "are we going out together?" or "can't you just go by yourself"/can i just go by myself" wouldn't be such an issue. Alas, it is what it is and it is an issue. (most of it is my problem and most of it is his problem--at least we are equal)

I have some serious issues when it comes to my space. I'm weird about it, i expect that others are as good at people reading as I am and will understand when to just shut up and leave me alone for a while without me actually having to say "SHUTUPPLEASELEAVEMEALONE"

i'm sad from being in love without the love. anytime i see someone kiss or cuddle up to their partner i think of him and how much we used to need to touch. now its not that there isn't affection, there is plenty, there is just also an equal amount of bickering and bitter resentment(coming from both sides) that neither of us can seem to shake. I want my love back, i don't want a different one or a new one i want this one to be some new kind of whole again.

TenTenTen

TENTENTEN.

my first love

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Stella Princess <3

Session One.

Yes, Rykelle!!! THE LIIIINES ARE AMAZING.

Four Hours under the needle and not a single tear up or uncontrollable jerking. Session two will be next month, The Shading of The Leaves, there may be some tears. HA.

Not Fired Friday.

yay. didn't get fired! not even written up! which is a good thing, i didn't deserve either. Still on the hunt though, i've been letting my brain rot away here for too long.

Today I learned how to form a new plant out of my already growing pothos, we'll see how it goes! I'm getting some cacti going in the the little garden box built into the house up front. I. Love. Plants. I still want to go to flower school. (One goal at a time though. Baby steps toward personal success seem to be what works best for me)

The only significant drama in my life is remaining pretty significant. It will work out. It always does. I'm so good at making it through shitty times.

I think i'll make a birdhouse on Sunday, i'm going to be making vegan cookies to take to Jason for my first session for my tattoo on Monday and I told him i'd bring vegan sweets! Follow through is one of those things i'm working on and not making cookies when I say I will would be failing at that; a full Sunday of fun productivity would probably make me feel about 900x better about getting the day off due to the cutting of hours.

Oh, here is the beauty that will be consuming my entire left shoulder after Monday <3

So i'm going to lose my job on Friday, or so thats what i'm pulling from the statement"you me and ben are going to have a little chat on Friday when you get in, it will be regarding some things i'm concerned about with you". New GM means newness. apparently i'm not as adaptive as I think I am. But really, his GO!CORPORATE! attitude just pulls at every single hate nerve in my body. I do my job well, i hate it, but I do it well god damnit. I planned on going yesterday to apply everywhere I could think of but I have no printer and no money. what happens then?! not printing my resume thats for sure. This is awful. Hopefully I can find a job in the next 48 hours and quit before i'm most likely fired. fuck fuck fuck.

my relationship and job falling apart in the saaaame month. who would thunk it. Ha. I have already learned that lesson about everything happening for a reason though. So while i try not kill myself, i'll do some things to make my life better over the next few months. GAHHH .

this weeks goal: aim to not be so melodramatic & find.a.job.

brainsbrainbrains

Sometimes bad 80's song on the radio can actually capture and put into great view how you are feeling. This should tell us that everything is important to everyone if it is important to someone.

I really don't know what i'm supposed to do with myself, i'm TERRIBLE at being alone. I like to cuddle and I like the nightly shoulder rubs and I will miss being woken up with temple kisses on hungover mornings and on regular mornings. Separating from a person that you truly expected to be with for all of the lively, fun, and completely difficult time that is your early life(!) and then on, well it just fucking sucks. I'm not going to pretend that i'm in love with this new found "freedom" or that i'm happy to be rid of my relationship and its "problems"!! I loved the shit out this person and it sucks and I hate it. That and that i'm going to have to actually make some real changes, maybe actually start doing things that are constantly on my brain. <- that is the only exciting part--in order to avoid throwing myself into a total reclusive, depressed, self-pitying state of ME--i'll have to force myself to create again, to force myself to love me for the things I am capable of.

I will do this. I am destined for greatness, personal success and GREATNESS! I just need to remind myself that everyday or any time I feel like dying would be the only thing to stop all this feeling.

Thursday and the view from the west.

The area I am now living in is awful. JUST AWFUL.

I've written out this whole chart that I'll hang on my wall when I get home tonight. The chart is everything I want to do between now and this years end! They are all very simple goals to achieve. Very simple. Some monetary, some creative. I will be focusing on me, my relationships with the ones who really matter, and my attitude toward the ones who don't. The follow through of these aspirations should land me back in school by spring semester and back on the desirable side of downtown by my next birthday. Fingers are crossed and self discipline-is-a-runnin!

Sometimes my brain pulls me into a terrible state that I'm not too sure how to manage; those are the times I hate myself for not knowing how manage.

I don't know what to call it.

Life seems to be throwing me a bunch of shitty curve balls. I do it to myself. I push people away and don't reach for them until their backs are already turned. If this relationship ends up in the fail pail I think i'm done with all the nonsense partnership for a long time. I've spent the majority of my early 20's trying to make things work instead of making things happen. Now is that time and there are no more possible excuses for me to make for myself. Excuses Suck.

I'm sick of not getting all these ideas out, i'm sick of being afraid to try, and mostly i'm sick of constantly living in the fear of failure. God damnit i'm already failing by sitting around doing nothing all the time.

ac

I don't even know where to begin. Its the first few hours of a nine day journey of rediscovering who i thought i was. Because over the last few months I think i've either forgotten or changed completely. It's been so fucked. Something has to be different.

He'll be gone until the 17th. AH. What am i going to do with all this time! I have been feeling so suffocated and so scared, resentful, pitiful, and completely NOT OKAY. These are some things I would hope to have confirmed if i were to ask a professional about my situation. HA. Haha.

I'll be with my family for three days of this--it probably makes me a terrible person that i am DREADING this--for my little brothers high school graduation. I should be proud. I'll probably feel it when i see it. We are just so far apart, I haven't been a part of his life for six years, nooo clue as to who the kid is! All i know is that he listens to pretty terrible music but can play the guitar pretty well, bass so-so, and is learning the drums. Atleast he likes music, that leaves me with hope.

hm. goodnight and good luck.

I am starting to think that things are at such a gray spot a GRAYYYYY. GRAY. spot. that nothing is any kind of clear. Even things that you want. The way someone smiles at you on the street. The window you just washed. Its all spotted. Look at it spotted! They never go away and nothing happens when you start kicking and screaming about it. Staying calm is just better for your health.

Today I've gained a Purple Shamrock, its wilted a little after spending 8 hours in this hot, stale smoke filled air of the closed up house. I also bought a _______ pothos. Obviously i'm not sure of what came before that, but its definitely some kind of pothos, cute little vine and good for helping rid the co2 from the cigarette smoke.i'll need several of them for it to really DO something pretty significant. For now its just me getting my feet back into the plant-keeping water.--OK.OK. Back to the Shamrock! It lilac colored flowers and these dark purple leaves that look like butterflies. I was in love when i saw it! I read up on it a few places today and i learned its going to start drying up after a month or so. I'll have to put it in a dark space for four to five weeks and let it "rest" i guess? But then its back to normal and the cycle continues!

Making air is hard work. Love those plants.

What else. OH. i also am not very good at this keyboard yet and keep magically cutting massive sections out and having to go back and retype them. It's much easier when i concentrate.
The last few hours i've been trying to think of reasons to wake up early tomorrow. i just found one! It's funny how we have to trick ourselves into doing things good for us. It's starts with flinstones vitamins i think, this way of thinking? That's a laugh, huh?

The task of hermitting this summer will be one of the most difficult of my life so far. I started it in a really awkward way tonight. But now i've got the ball rolling (granted, yes, it is 2:20 am.) i'm going to get up early, get a monetary goal knocked out and be stoked about it by a little after noon tomorrow.

Life and such.

Changes since the start of 2010.

-I got a puppy. he's taken over my life. I was finally ready, i reached the decision, picked the picture, made the purchase, and now he is mine. His name is Rory and he loves me to no end. With the personal struggles i've been experiencing, his love is refreshing. I can handle the pesky puppiness for a while :)

-I hate myself less. I understand that in order to love me I have to DO things that make me love me. Most of my anger and jealousy of and toward others is from nothing by my lack of productivity. I don't DO anything. nothing. and nothing is not enough for me. I'm really NOT doing anything at the moment. I have this whole idea of a sequence of events that should take place when I finally start doing these few things. I'm doing those few things. I thinks its going to work. We'll see. Getting my closet organized and clothes onto hangers will also help with this. I'm still not very organized.

-I saw my best friend in the world. Two of them! That was another one of those things where I reached the decision, picked the dates and got the tickets! It was 5 days of fun and catching up. Talking about nothing and laughing about everything. Good, Old friends are a beautiful thing. I'm glad i'm still alive to know that.

-I think i've decided to really take a stab at this school thing again. Maybe. Ugh. We'll see.

-Nicholas has gotten a job. It's made things so much easier on me, we still have our problems, but our love has always been strong enough to see us through. Communicating functionally & effectively is the hardest part of relationships. He mumbles a lot and I like to yell. Sometimes its tricky.

-Laptop is in the mail and on its way, new glasses, new shewwwws, new month, and almost a new year of my life.


Twenty-Five is not that grown up. I am not that grown up.